Rawoliver Twist Continues

After 15 days of being 100% raw, I ate cooked food and have the acne scars to prove it. I haven't shared the experience because I wanted to understand it first. What happened and why did I consume those fries and steamed veggie dim sum when I know what would happen. Physically, I have discomfort after most cooked meals. It was January 20th, during the final four playoffs. I felt in a social bind and decided to meet folks in the bar. I ran out of my food and ordered a salad with Italian or vinaigrette dressing. I can't remember exactly, but I do remember how disappointed I was when the salad arrived. Wilted iceberg lettuce with waxy cherry tomatoes and carrot shavings! I thought, "my god", can nobody put a little effort in throwing ingredients together for a salad? There must be 50,000 edible plants on the planet, why are we not more creative? In self pity I ordered fries in an attempt to join the mass suicide of Americans via diet. The other folks consumed their chicken fingers, potatoes and beer. They washed down nachos with 3 or 4 long island ice teas and I sat there dismayed with my glass of red wine. Honestly the wine was the only raw item able to satisfy me. A nice man was speaking to me and asked questions about how I liked living in Vegas. My answers were not very exciting. I couldn't stop thinking how boring I found their conversation and activity. Have I become a snob? No, I've been a snob since age 21 when I dropped out of college.

I remember the day I decided to tell my father I wasn't interested in UCSD after 3 years. I never shared the reason, but I had a sense of boredom with higher education (as the business). I didn't feel I was learning, only being molded with ideas which did not make sense to me. In my opinion there was science, missing the mark in healthcare and racial, social, politcal ideas scouring the campus that I found myself trying to avoid.

I went to a Kwanzaa meeting my 3rd year to learn something about the celebration. The meeting turned out different than expected. "Are you serious", I thought.
Years later I would read a quote from J. Krishnamurti that fit this situation. He said something to the effect that faith ultimately breeds hatred. I found one groups celebration in a belief does seem to result in alienating others.

This must be why I was attracted to the philosophy of Yoga. Notice the word philosophy and Something that can be tested to gain direct knowing or revelation.

Yoga is a philosophy and mapped out science to experience Truth or Gnosis (from the Greek word for knowledge, γνώσις) used in English to specify the spiritual knowledge of a saint or enlightened human being. I'm not saying I'm enlightened in any sense only that Gnosis is described as the DIRECT experiential knowledge of the supernatural or divine. This is not enlightenment understood in its general sense of insight or learning (which in Greek is διαφωτισις) but enlightenment that validates the existence of the supernatural. (from wikipedia-the free encyclopedia)
This idea minus the symbols came to me at age 21, sitting in my silver Nissan Sentra on a campus parking lot.

I didn't begin with a study of yoga, intuition told me I would learn something from a religion I knew nothing about and the people were Indian.
Ok, I'm young and thought Native American, which I knew nothing about. I read the Book of Mormon (about a group from Israel -the old world who migrated to South America - the new world, thought by many to be the ancestors of later indigenous people. I was fascinated by the story and shared my idea with the teaching of Latter Day Saints that direct revelation was possible, but something was missing.

If you knew me then you knew my face was buried in books by brilliant LDS scholar, Hugh Nibley. I was looking for answers. I had a chance to to meet him on campus at BYU to ask an important question. I cherished his answer and after nine years of realizing the church believed a different and disturbing answer I walked away. During those years I learned about yoga and dabbled with the postures. I carried a mat on my trips the first years of being a flight attendant. People began to know me as the girl with the yoga mat. It was my mental escape. I was going through a confused time which caused a separation from my ex-husband eventually leading to divorce. Later he was supportive of our dissolution and however painful at the time, we have remained friends. His family have also kept in contact and treat me like family. They are a shining example of integrity and live an exemplary life.

I reminisce because I'm fleshing out the cause of my choices on January 20th. This seems to be a repeated pattern in my life. Perhaps demonstrating that aversion seems as much a part of intuition as magnetism. Today I feel I should just pay attention to the pull of one side or another. My lesson being if I bolt towards an idea or away, without excuse, eventually I should hit the mark. Trial and success, as David Avocado Wolfe, explains. I like this and after a bowl of seaweed salad, I feel balanced again.

Really the experience on Jan 20th and the spiral/struggle from that moment on, hits me again of our quest for liberation. Trying to shatter the ego as one friend put it to me. I don't know exact quotes, but remember the Buddha saying have neither likes nor dislikes and you will be free. Conceptually I understand. As direct experience....well, I think you're starting to see where I'm coming from. So far not in this lifetime, but trying to NOT TRY. I ate the raw food and felt blissful. I ate cooked food and felt discomfort. It's all experience, do not chase the moment and become attached. JUST BE the animated beam of light behind this moving picture. One of the thoughts after consuming too much raw cacao and staying up most of the night when I needed the sleep.

More later on my imbalances with raw food, social pressure and my constitution according to Ayurvedic dietary suggestions in a later blog.

In summary the twist becomes a tug-o-war and I'm lovin it!